Singleness in The Church

Short Essay on The Church & Singleness

I’ve just returned from a great and uplifting church meeting in London. But I don’t feel quite right. I asked the church leader if he would spare me a few moments to discuss the issue of singleness in the church only to be met with “you don’t need to speak to me – you need to speak to x”.

Later I sent an email to the pastor trying to explain that I only wanted to chat, if nothing else to see if I was doing the right or wrong thing by trying to help out singles. This time I was given a ‘contact’ that was probably a “better person to discuss it with”. Well of course I do need to speak to the paster, as it is the issue of being single and how to find a partner in the Church, that dogs so many people who silently tolerate it, not knowing if they should be doing something about it or not. Actually it wasn’t a rant or rave, or even to arrange singles nights – but a bit of pastoral care I wanted.

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I had to stop myself from feeling a little upset, as I have given 4 years of my life to try and help out Church singles, and couldn’t even manage to get 5 minutes to chat. I now know what it feels like to get the brush-off (albeit a misunderstanding) from people on your own side – it really hurts and I suddenly saw for the first time why people leave churches when they are hurt – often unintentionally.

I am old enough to realise that this guy really does have enough on his plate already and probably doesn’t understand the pain it causes, basically because people always put on a brave face – especially in the city where independence and self sufficiency mean so much. I felt for a moment that he actually thought that discussing the singleness issue might suddenly turn a perfectly normal church into a dating agency!

Whilst I actually feel OK about being single these days, (probably age related!!… plus I am a good deal less inward thinking than I used to be) the fact is in city churches, there are dozens of people that you could ask out, but if you’re not well connected or you are new to a church, it can be one of the loneliest places on earth. Plus, gossip in churches unfortunately is pretty much worse than anywhere on earth, so asking someone out is a big risk.

Consequently many guys and girls simply wont risk the frenzy that occurs after such an event… a simple date easily becomes… “is it marriage… are they in love… who dumped who?” and as a result, 70% of 20-30s in most churches are single and remain that way till we help em out. THEY’RE TOO AFRAID TO ASK 🙂

Whilst I realise a lot of it is up to us to make our own way with God’s help, (I think there is some small truth in the saying ‘God helps those that help themselves’ – perhaps its should be “God helps those who can help themselves”. Several things occurred to me regarding singles tonight… One was that it is not the churches responsibility to cater for my every need and want at a moments notice. Second, I need to be as outward looking as possible and proactive in all things. Self pity is no good and – always makes one feel worse.

Third and probably most important – I need to be thankful for what I’ve got which whilst being single can be tough at times – I imagine any a person in the third world would trade their life of poverty and oppression for my life of comparative wealth and singleness – and might even laugh at this essay! There isn’t really a comparison. Praising God when you least want to (from the heart) really is the answer I think. I have learnt through many a dark moment that the right thing to do for sanity and health is praise the Lord for what we have – not what we haven’t got.

Anyhow – tonight I decided (again!) that I really wanted to find out how the church views singles and singleness. A couple of phone calls I asked someone to make to the Evangelical alliance was met with silence – not because they don’t care but I guess because there are a million other issues to deal with (actually it’s because they only deal with people they know to a large extent).

Im not sure the Church really ignores singles – I think they don’t really know how to handle the issue or singles themselves – sensitive creatures. Most ministers are married and so somehow it is conveniently forgotten or at least not an issue “look at all those eligible people”. Nothing bad, just not realising there is a problem.

For months I have been trying to think of an all in one package to present to the churches that resolves the singles issue for them – but somehow I have to gain the churches trust – but I don’t have friends in high places. What I do have is determination and generally when I want to do something – God seems to give me what I need to do it, and, not knowing people in high places to date has has proved difficult for me – certainly didn’t prove difficult for Jesus!

My passion is music – but in my desire to help singles in the Church – rightly or wrongly I have put it on hold for 5 years so far. I miss it like crazy – it really gets to me but I feel that it is more important in these days of dwindling Church attendance figures (and I believe the whole ‘sexual revolution’ and breakdown of family values, morals and standards in general – TV – porn and a general diet of media junk and the like – has a large part to play in the dropping attendance of young persons, and accounts for much of the difficulties in staying on the straight and narrow and ultimately in the church).

Several times I have wanted to pack in the whole church thing in because its so much easier to find a partner outside the church – ten a penny – but I always come back to the truth – that I need a Christian partner. We all do in the church. I really want to resolve the issue for Christian singles. With God’s help if he will back me! I guess fruit or no fruit will be proof of my motives and reveal the true motives behind what I do.

Im confused sometimes even myself about wether God would want me to help in the way I do. It’s not as if he needs me – but we are all called to serve regardless of wether he needs us – it’s for our own good and I have to say that the times in my life when I feel most satisfied – are when I receive letters of thanks saying how I helped someone find a Christian partner. That I think that is what real joy feels like and I am privileged .

Anyhow – tonight I have resolved not just to run a singles dating agency for Christians as I do – but to really get under the skin of the leaders, to ask questions, find out what they think – why they apparently don’t do anything for singles to speak of, and persuade them to back my vision to make things better in the church for singles.

To DO something. I didn’t start an Christian singles agency to make money but to make things better for Christians. It’s cost me £15,000 quid to date but luckily now my costs are down to £5-600 per year all in thanks to God and a few generous people. As I said I don’t really believe the church don’t care – I just believe no-ones really addressed it properly. So – good time to do something about it.

To be continued…

Contact us if you share my vision and want to help singles in the church. We can be found at www.christianadvice.net contact page.

Articles from other websites

www.faithstreet.com – are single people the lepers of today

www.christianpost.com – how is the church responding to growing number of singles