Are dating agencies a good option for single Christians?
I own and run an online Christian dating agency and it would be reasonable for anyone reading this to assume that I am about to say that all Christians should use dating agencies to find a partner, and that there is no conflict between using agencies or friend-finder services and what the Bible says on relationships marriage and finding a Christian partner etc. But I want to be honest, open and constructive about the subject – to discuss the good with the bad and yep, along with the many positives of online singles services, there are one or two negatives.
There are many reasons one might use a traditional or online dating agency. First though, I do not think all Christians (or anyone for that matter) should use dating agencies but having seen the results I do believe that they can be very useful for many people for a number of reasons. But they are by no means ideal – perhaps in an ideal world we wouldn’t consider or need agencies but having heard so many different conflicting views on the subject I wanted to address this question of wether we need them seriously, and I thought I’d start by trying to find some good arguments or texts on dating in general or using agencies from a Biblical perspective. After all I thought there must be hundreds of essays on this tricky and stigmatised subject that would help me get some honest views for and against using dating agencies.
But to my great surprise after searching Google and all the major search engines designed to find subject specific text matter, all I came up with was a barrage of dating sites offering their services and advice. 100’s of pages – all tuned to be picked up by any search relating to dating (good or bad) in the end designed to sell you a dating service – sometimes at a high price – up to $30 a month!! Some traditional agencies charge £1000 per year where your dates are ‘hand picked’. But I suppose I was naive to expect to find many such documents (in fact I couldn’t find any – but there must be some out there and Im going to search some more) Dating is a highly competitive market and I guess few people will write pages against dating. I did however find 2 pages with books that suggested Christian dating was against Christian Biblical principals. I have yet to get copies but I the idea was that it was the element of ‘trust’ or ‘not trusting’ that was a problem – that to use an agency was not allowing God to do his thing – interfering. I actually understand this point of view and believe that it may be right in some circumstances.
Are All ‘Christian’ Dating Sites Christian?
No not at all! Some are and you can find a list of those on this page. But the majority of sites called ‘Christian’ are not Christian companies – not that this is a problem – why should it be? Most ‘Christian’ dating sites are split-offs from larger secular dating sites trying to get in on the Christian market which is pretty large. But checking out these ‘mega sites’ reveals they have a small number of Christians compared to authentic Christian sites because it is fairly obvious to visitors that the site is secular since by the first or second page they will be asked”are you gay or straight” as part of the questionnaire! They ask is because your details will be put into the same database as 100,000 other people most of who are not Christian and therefore such questions are relevant.
The biggest players can afford elaborate enticing sites but to build separate databases for every people group is expensive and so everyone is thrown in together. The site owners would actually be happier if you don’t meet a Christian partner for life since your standing order will continue for longer!:-) That said many of these dating sites offer good services. You will find however many 1000’s more Christians on dedicated real Christian owned and run sites. To find them simply add ‘Christian’ and the country you wish to meet people to your search. You should be able to tell with a quick look which ones are genuine Christian sites (tip: check out the questionnaire!)
Reasons to use a Christian dating site – why use one at all?
The essence of joining a dating agency is to put yourself in a position where you are more likely to meet new friends. Most of us singles do this every day consciously or subconsciously and most will admit if asked frankly if they ever feel incline to better position themselves to meet members of the opposite gender. We all want to meet someone – Mr or Miss right – wether it’s the next party is or social event – it’s normal!! It’s all part of having fun, fellowship and interacting and learning about people – our likes and dislikes. That’s why it’s hard to argue against using a dating agency – especially if like me you lived out in the country side with just me and lots of middle aged couples and a few sheep attending the church – not the sheep! I started my own agency because I guessed many people would be in the same boat and not meet many new Christian people outside their social circle. And the feedback is that this is very often true. Read some of our testimonials – I love these!
What does the Bible say about Christian Dating?
Nothing specifically. But the Bible does say, “do not ‘look’ for a wife” – Surely this is the death knell for dating agencies?!! But hey, think about it – It may well be true that the Bible is saying “do not actively go looking or seek a partner” because practically this is fairly unwise for a number of reasons. Take my own experience which although slightly embarrassing to explain;-) . . ….I will since it’s the truth it may help some people!
Here goes: I spent 10 years actively seeking a partner from 15 – 25 (when I wasn’t absorbed in doing things that would actively make me more attractive to a potential partner!! Hee hee – come on we’re all a bit like this – surely it’s not just me:) but never met one or felt particularly attractive. I was fairly good looking so that wasn’t a problem but something was. It was only when I became disillusioned, tired of the whole dating thing and forgot about finding a one, that I gave in and got on with what I call ‘just living’. You know – working hard and generally growing up – being more mature. Then suddenly without trying I find a whole bunch of girls showing an interest!! why? – well it’s no new revelation but basically I didn’t appear so needy.
All those years I had no idea I was giving off ‘needy’ vibes – and girls are just not attracted to it. Simple. The more I did it the less they liked me and I became more needy – a spiral. Now the problem is if you are needy its nigh on impossible to act really confident. You may keep it up for a bit but it will just come out in the end. Best to BE confident and so what better advice than to get on with living to achieve this!!? Fantastic obvious but often missed advice. So I believe the Bible is saying “get on with life since it’s short – improve your skills and concentrate on becoming a real man or woman of God”. That absolutely HAS to be the most attractive thing. Follow the above and you will find when the time is right God will help you meet someone and if you don’t meet many people – then hey why not use a dating agency – just don’t fret or rest all your hopes and securities on it – GOD CAN DO MIRACLES. My personal tip is GET secure first (don’t wish for things before you’re ready – your heart should tell you this). I don’t believe it is saying “do not want or desire a husband or wife – girlfriend” etc. How could it since it is such a great experience!! The Bible never denies us good things unless it wants to prepare us first.
Why and when to use a dating agency
So – you feel relaxed, feel like some fun – want to meet some new Christian people and get a bit of a buzz? Great – then you might try joining an agency. It’s scary yet fun – after all you don’t know what someones really going to be like till you meet them. Take it lightly in terms of expectation but seriously should there be any happy spark because it often happens. But not toooooo seriously if you know what I mean. Here’s some great tips on how to attract a Christian fish!
When NOT to use an agency
Well just make sure you’re not using an agency as a kind of last resort. If you’re despairing cos you haven’t found a partner – try to come to terms with this first – Remember God’s in control and knows when would be best – not always when you feel like it! Persoanlly I found using an agency was great to just build my confidence. I met some nice often successful people who I could interact with and find out what I wanted and what kind of person would be a good match. I does just depend what you expect from it. Have fun. This is far and above the best attitude to take if you really want to attract someone.
Other places and ways to meet new people
Getting practical its a great idea visit some other churches tho there is the obvious danger that you could spend a lot of time doing this and get no where in this quest, whilst also potentially damaging your spiritual well being. This is not to say that you should not consider this idea. Also, be prepared to be humble and examine yourself, considering if there is any character trait or other trait which may put people off you as a partner. Dating agencies can be useful, but they are not ideal, as they may be less likely to provide people who live close to you. It is safest to stick to a rule of focussing on friendship first, and to get to know a person before you start to commit yourself to a relationship. If there is any distance between yourself and a contact, enjoying friendship first is made much more difficult.
Where are All the Men?
Apparently there are three times the number of single women attending church than single men leaving thousands of Christian women struggling to find a decent Christian partner. What should woman do… settle for a nerd, join an agency, date non-Christians or sit back and ‘trust in the Lord’? Welcome to modern day church!
According to recent Christian singles figures available from Research, there are on average 70 women for every 30 men in the church. New Day agency founder says that by the time women reach 40 the ratio has extended four to one and by 50 it’s a staggering six to one. What are women expected to do?!!! The real result of the imbalance is that many women in the church face the real prospect of staying alone and unmarried and this cant be allowed to happen.
What is the biblical view of dating?
The Christian view of dating (tho ‘dating’ is not mentioned of course in the Bible) is based on biblical principles which God designed to protect relationships – marriage and family. There are some basic principles of Christian courting or dating which if followed prevent the kinds of problems and suffering later – especially that of kids.
1) Dating people should be reserved for finding a marriage partner – not trying people for size. Accordingly don’t date until you are ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage. Between times – make a lot of friends – guys and girls and get ready for marriage and commitment.
2.Select dates very carefully – date Christians only. I know of virtually no examples where Christians have married non-Christians and the result is a happy stable marriage.
3.Select your Christian dates carefully. Dating a non-committed Christian or worldly Christian is usually a recipe for disaster if you yourself are trying hard to please God.
4.Abstain from intimate involvement prior to marriage. Kissing and petting may not seem like intimate relations – but it is the lead up to intercourse and lets face it – can anyone draw a line where kissing or petting stops and the other thing starts? It’s not that intimacy is bad – it’s that the further you go – the more bonded you will become – perhaps to the wrong person. Avoid it and you will stay sane and make good judgements.
To conclude – dating, sex and marriage are great gifts for those who take them seriously.
Related Christian topics
Christian Marriage advice | Christian Discernment | Guidance by God | Christian dating agencies | chat rooms
Should you use a Christian Dating agency discussed at www.christianadvice.net
