Help & Advice on a First Date
Advice for that first date. Dating Do’s & Don’ts from a Ladies perspective!
OK, so you have passed stage one of safely chatting across a website or email, possibly exchanged a photo or two and he or she has shown an interest in meeting you? Great, now prepare yourself for the next stage – i.e going from web chat and communication to real -life ‘in-person chat’.
Web-chat (chatting on email) is safe, comfortable and un-intrusive. You sit behind your pc chewing on an apple or partly watching tele in the comfort of your home. You are relaxed and there is no pressure. No need for eye contact, no expectations.
The result is that you are more open and honest about your life and your opinions. When you are both communicating at that open and personable level it is possible to develop an affection for your new ‘friend’.
After many emails and a reliable reply from an understanding new ‘friend’ you may accidentally even sign off ‘love…’ one evening. Maybe it was a Friday night and you had been out for a few drinks with friends, same old crowd, still not having met a new love interest, you came home felt like some company and yes, there was another email from that great person you just met on fusion101.com.
As you have not met in person yet, you can’t be 100% sure this is going to work. So be cautious of leading them on inappropriately by giving the impression that you have a serious interest in them that goes beyond a friendship.
As Christians we are more loving, more open and more inclined to be seeking a marriage partner. This makes us more vulnerable and we need to protect each other from awakening love before the time is right (see the Songs of Solomon in the bible).
The best relationships start as friendships. It may be wiser to just keep it platonic on the email and start off slowly. Don’t over compliment and gush with affection until you have spent enough time together in person to really be sure that this is the person you are happy to commit to for the rest of your life.
Biblically it is said that ‘flattery is deception’. We all want to be seen as attractive and desirable to our new partner, but attraction does not keep a relationship together forever. We all grow old, but the friendship could last forever. Spend time getting to know each other… Do you share the same values? Do have have enough in common?
What about problem solving skills? Capacity for commitment? Stage in life? How much do you know about their past / past relationships? Family?
Probably the two most important decisions we make in life are our choice of career and the choice of partner we will marry. Well, let’s compare how much time we put into both… we may spend from 1 to 3 or 7 years studying at college / university. A real commitment to our career. How long do we spend getting to know a friend before we graduate them to boyfriend / girlfriend status. Maybe 8 emails and one date is too fast?
The First Date: 10 Date Tips
- Arrive with low expectations. You are meeting a new friend, that is just a new friend for now. Should you be hoping for intimacy on your 1st date then you’re on the wrong website!
- Do not seem over eager, you will scare your new friend off. You need to make them feel safe and at ease in your presence.
- Do not rush into an explanation of how they are the person you have waited your whole life to meet… that this is a day you will always remember… don’t let on that you are hoping for marriage. It’s too soon.
- Don’t pressure them to answer questions like:
Am I everything you hoped I’d be? / Are you pleasantly surprised?
5. Don’t fish for compliments
e.g. I had my hair cut, I hate it? Pause
e.g. My mum bought me this shirt, sorry it was the only clean one.. Pause. Focus on them not yourself. - Do not be too intense. By now they know you are interesting and intelligent (the emails revealed that). It’s time to be relaxed and fun and show you are interested in what they have to say, ask appropriate question.
- By talking about topics other than relationships, you will help them relax. If you have a sense of humour that will be a great help. You need to subtly indicate that you are in way going to put any pressure on them to reveal how they now feel about you since having met in person.
- How to end 1st date. It is usually the role of the man to initiate a second meeting. But he will also need to feel secure that you are happy to meet up again. So be positive and enthusiastic about your time together should you wish to see each other again.
- Try not to talk about your x’s at this early stage. It just makes new friends a little uncomfortable to hear a 3 hour trip down nostalgia lane… you don’t want them weeping, bored or jealous. You will at some point discuss past relationships, but keep it brief and put them at ease that that relationship is definitely over.
- Do not meet in private 1st time. Remember you are still strangers, you want to be safe. You also don’t want to give the impression you are rushing things. Meeting for lunch in public is a good start.Take your time to get to know each other.
So what are the Date do’s?
Talk
- be warm and friendly
- ask them questions about their areas of interest
- discuss things that are of interest to you both
- make them laugh (silly things that have happened to you)
- find out what their dreams are (if they seem relaxed enough)
Body Language
- give them space (don’t make physical contact or sit too close to them) if they hug you hello, don’t hang on too long!
- eye contact is important (but try to take a few breaks even if this is very exciting, don’t be over eager)
- don’t flirt with the waitress / waiter or peer over at an attractive person at another table, even if you are totally dissapointed in your date – it’s just rude, be kind and sensitive.
- Smile!!
Safety First!
In the 1st five minutes people can often tell whether they feel at ease with someone. In fact a lot of interviewers decide in the 1st five minutes whether they plan to go to the second interview with a candidate.
Two discomforts:
1. No attraction: That’s ok, there are always friends to be made regardless. Be kind and friendly, they have probably sensed your lack of interest and are feeling disappointed. Try being positive about their lives and dreams and build them up a bit.
2. Petrified? Pray! Are they too keen and you can’t wait to go home and do the laundry? Or do you feel scared and at risk? Well, if you really feel at risk, sense that they have ulterior motives, or just sense danger, keep it short and let them know you have to leave by a certain time and stick to the time. You have just set a time boundary, if they disrespect it, be firm, anyone who disrespects you does not deserve your time at all. If they try to make you feel guilty (e.g.” what’s wrong, the emails went so well”) if you feel manipulated, politely leave, manipulative talk is disrespectful. Do not let anyone cross boundaries that YOU feel are inappropriate.
All of that aside. We hope that your 1st date will be the start to a wonderful friendship, with time who knows maybe a little more. Just be yourself. God created you, that makes you a unique and interesting person. A prince / princess of the King
There is a great book called ‘Boundaries in Dating‘ by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Christian advice on dating. My 3 favourite chapters are 7, 11, 12 &15:
7. “Don’t fall in love with someone you wouldn’t be friends with”
11. “Too much too fast”
12. “Don’t get kidnapped” (this is about having your own identity
not a literal kidnapping!)
15. “Say no to disrespect”
All the best – Christian Advice team 🙂
Try this for more first date advice….
First Date Tips for a man – written by a Guy!
fist date tips – part 2! – Christian dating guide at christianadvice.net copyright
